Punched in the stomach

If I was to guess the moment, I heard bad news, I'd guess it would usually be at the least likely appealing place. This week, I had to step back from the unsettling news of death of a family friend who is my age. I felt like I was punched in the stomach. A stream of emotions over whelmed me as I recalled childhood memories of family picnics, vacations, and conversations of what we do when we grew up. Some 20+ years later, we lost touch because life took us in different directions but always heard about the ins and outs through our parents. I am saddened because I knew she had health issues and never quite took time to visit her. And, I regret it. I kept putting it off for tomorrow and now she is gone.

I was sulking this week as I am recovering from the flu and tending to my 3 girls who are also sick. Oh the joys of mother hood. The coughing, hacking, blowing noses and vomit are just part of the symptoms. The good thing, we all got sleep and much needed sleep. In between naps throughout the day, I was thankful to my parents for comfort food. The simplicity of rice porridge tastes like gold in my mouth and helps opens up my breathing passages. While spending most of the week in PJs, I got to reconnect with my girls by binging on Netflix series, reading aloud, and making silly videos. My girls all sharing in their misery together and still could laugh together just made me thankful. Their bond so tight and interwoven. My mom used to tell me growing up that my brothers and I only had each other to count on. I say the same to my girls. And, as friendships have shifted over the years, I have seen my two older girls confide in each other as they mature. It makes my heart warm because I know after I pass, I am confident they will be each other's support.

Integrity

It's funny how words cut deep. But, sometimes it isn't the words that are said in front of you that hurt the most. It's what is said behind your back. I've always said if you have something to say, I'm welcome to hear you say it in my face. I know! It's easier said than done. I value when someone can tell me that I've wronged them. I can own up to my mistakes, my prideful actions and my naivete. I know I'm not perfect. I'm human. I can take ownership in my actions and reflect on them. I can wholeheartedly say sorry. And, it's up to them to forgive me. Once, I offer it up to my savior, I have faith he will take care of it. This past month has been aweful and I never want to experience again. My child and I both felt attacked and betrayed. By people we never would have thought. It's by the people who are closest to you when it is the most hurtful.

At the end of the day, it is your words and actions that speak for your integrity. I'm trying to instill this to my children. And, if anything they have seen me advocate for them. They have heard me and seen how my actions toward other people by using kind words and actions can do.  I have no tolerance for ignorant, narcissistic and drama filled people. I don't have time, energy or enjoy that type of company. But, I pray for them because their words and actions have consequences in front of our Lord Jesus. Life is already complicated as it is with the chaos of marriage, 3 children, aging parents, my career, and nurturing my friendships. Over the years, I have seen friends come and go. If we have one or two friends that last a lifetime, we are so ever lucky and blessed.

Raising unprepared children

We want to do better for our kids. Give them opportunities. Have them learn to survive in this fast paced driven society. But, we hurt them. I do it. And, it's hard for me to swallow it because I see how my husband and I work hard. My child feels entitled to the lifestyle we have that our community seems to flaunt on social media. That is not reality folks! What we post is just a glimpse of our lives and a perspective we want to share.

Behind the camera is a story. And,  it's not always pretty. When I look back as I help my daughter prepare a birthday gift for her BFF. The years have flown by. They have history. I see how friends have come and gone in their group. They remain friends and really more like sisters. Able to put each other in check and call each other names like no other person can to one another. They have shared their most intimate secrets of crushes, family issues and goals. I love to see this! What is difficult is seeing as they go through these teenage years, the foundation they have built shaken. And, as a parent, I need to allow my child to navigate through these emotions of change: hormones, new friendships, crushes, jealousy, gossip and self esteem issues while guiding them. There is such a fine line of how much we should be involved. I remember growing up and my Mom was busy to see the everyday operations of the house, so I stepped in as an only girl in the family. My 8th grade year was so hard! I cried when I was bullied. I cry now when I see my child being bullied. What do I do when my child is defending herself and trying to communicate but it falls on deaf ears? My first reaction to fix it. To step in. My child has asked me to let her handle it. What do I do next when I see her handling it and it backfires? Keep my mouth shut? Not address it? I'm torn!

I sit in church with my child. Sitting in silence while I see her wipe her tears. And, it breaks my heart into pieces. So I hold her. I hug her and I reminded my most important job. To be there for her. When she tells me she wants to sleep next to me.

For months, I've brewed with the idea of homeschooling this child of mine who wants to be "included" and find her place among her peers. She has learned from her 1st year in junior high the importance of voice, respect, and kindness. I don't want to paint a picture that my child hasn't done her share. And, I am well aware of it. Especially when she reminds me that I am a "stalker" on social media. I'm just using it as a tool to learn more about my daughter and her peers. Isn't it my job? Aren't I allowed to? I pay for her cell phone. So yes! I don't have to justify it to my child. Just give me your phone when I ask for it.

Am I raising an unprepared child? The world out here is volatile! There are shootings, acts of violence against women and children, religion and greed for money. I use these past few days to discuss the current events and values. Why are we in this current state? There is a struggle between good vs.evil. As humans we go through this struggle on a daily basis. On 9/11 I was reminded how big my responsibility would be to raise this child. And today, 14 years later with the world discussing transgender issues and same sex marriage, I cannot fathom the struggles these children are encountering because there was not this issue when I was growing up.

I step back to gain perspective from the last week and it's been a roller coaster of emotions. I cannot complain. It was been eye opening. What a learning experience it has been and I appreciate the honesty my child has when we get to sit one on one. I am going to count my blessings even when I feel the eye of storm is circling around us. May the good Lord continue to guide my family and I.