Truth shall set you free

I am a believer of truth. God's truth. We cannot hide from our sins. Only HE knows what our path will be.

Why is it when our lives are going steady, we have things that deter us and steer us in a different path. And, all the while, our destination is the same place. It is predetermined. ..as stubborn as humanly possible. We resist the direction in which we should follow.

I'm not only guilty, I feel my way is the best way. Then, I'm reminded how little I know.  I'm distracted by the ways of the world.

But, truth sets me free. Do right. Believe. Keep faith. HE ALWAYS PREVAILS!!

Truth shall set you free

am a believer of truth

Limits

Media, social media, children raising children, peer pressure have become the norm with constant instant gratification. These are some of reasons the Millennium generation feel entitled. I've been warned. I was given the mother's curse when I pushed the limits of my parents patience and rules. But, they were in place for a reason.

So here I am, my oldest pulling the same with me. While, I remember doing it much older in high school and college and maybe I blocked things out. The need for approval by peers. The need for more and MORE. And, not knowing my own limits FOR MYSELF. As a child, our perspective is based on the limited environment our parents provide.

As a parent, my perspective has changed and continues to change the older my children get and I learn to let go of my fears allowing them to fly. This summer I let go and free it to HIM. I have to do what must be done to show the limits she can push which means she will have growing pains. I've warned her about the importance of respect, honesty and integrity.  I've prayed for patience and wisdom.  My heart aches when I have to punish her but I have to remember consistent parenting will mold her to the young woman she is destined to be. One with values.

She will stay the summer with her Dad and Step-Mom. And, it pains me. I had created a schedule of fun, education and quality time. My baby is sad, her Ate will be gone. And, I can't give in. I need to show her tough love. This summer will show her MY limits.

I pray for her and I. That our relationship can overcome this hurdle. That I live through the teen years. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

The spirit

This week ended the school year for 2012-13. It's bitter sweet. While, I'm happy my surgery was cancelled and I got to celebrate with my girls their culmination of their hard work. I am sad it will be the last year for my first born in elementary school. I've been emotional. So emotional, I've been frustrating myself. I don't look pretty crying. Wahhh.

Where has the time gone? I look at her growing and her lanky body growing into this young woman. I am not ready for it. I want to protect her from life. I am afraid of this world and what it has become. And, I breathe so deep and hard. I lock myself in the office.  It's been my place of zen, lately. I organize my thoughts, items of clothing that needs to be donated or sold. I set piles: 5-6, 7-8, 10-12. Oh my! She's close to fitting 14 girls clothing and 7 1/2 women's shoes. She's not even 12 yet (sad face).

I can't stop time but I can maximize the time I have with her and my baby girl. TINAPAY is her nickname. My Kuya (older brother) named her when he came to visit her in the hospital when she was first born. It means...fresh bread. She smelled so fresh and clean that the aroma reminded him of baked bread coming from the oven. Very fitting that her nickname is fresh bread. She is my child who was born under stressful times in my life and helped me rise above them. She was my single reason to strive in my career which has led me to teaching college today and pursue projects that would lead to consulting in health education. She is one of the main reason I found myself reinvented in my early thirties. I had her in my late twenties after a successful career in education and my priority was no longer myself. I grew to be a better Mom. A single Mom raising an infant. We bonded like no other because my day revolved her and it hasn't changed much 12 years later. There is no other spirit that drives you to become the best of yourself until you give life and have to protect that life.

I didn't realize the depths of my courage until I brought her home and slept the first night by myself with her. I cried just as I cry today. I GET OVERWHELMED THAT I MAY DO HER WRONG. That my life choices may damage her. And, then I Breathe. ..hard!

I read this book..in ways no matter how much I grow weary. I just need to call to HIM. I need to draw myself in his spirit.  I can't do without HIM. It is because HE has been with me that I could look back and say I got through those first months with a newborn. I open my book and I seek his presence in my daily life. As, I RISE to another milestone in my life going into my 40s. All of the above, raising a pre-teen with my husband and oh so sassy 8 year old. GOD BLESS ME..I'M IN FOR A RIDE!!

Amazing grace!!

I am a sinner. I am human. I am a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend and a teacher. I have been spared my life on more than one occasion. I have witnessed miracles in my own life and in others. The power of prayer has no limits. HE saved us so we could live in his glory. I proclaim his name because even when I fail him on a daily basis, he still loves me. Stubborn, prideful, cussing like a sailor, me. Yesterday, the wind was knocked out of me as the doctor cancelled , my surgery and asked me to come into the office to discuss my treatment plan. I thought of course, it was Bad Bad news. I was in a bad mood all morning. Taking it out on my poor husband. He just told me, he was there for me and I had cloudy vision and hearing. When I got the news, he just hugged me so tightly and kissed my shoulder over twenty times.I could feel his shoulders release his burden.

He is private in his faith, religion and prayer are usually instigated by me or the girls. He looked at me and adjusted his body while saying it is AAAAMAZING MIRACLE!!!

The girls were confused!!! I had to repeat the news to them a few times. My oldest could not leave my side. She asked if she could stay with me all night.

I'm still in shock. Amazed and thankful. My mind digresses and I think of my girlfriend, Alva. She fought so hard to battle breast cancer. She holds a special place in my heart. I dream about her and sometimes have randomness reminders of her as I go through my day. I feel her presence all the time. I have the need to tell her out loud. I know she can hear it.

When I shared my news with family and friends, one of my HL Mamas, texted me back.  It resonates in my mind. HE  has lots left here for you. Then, later in the day,  my oldest said to me when after we ate dinner. Daddy would not be able to function without you. OMG! This from my 11 year old.

I have more time. To be a wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend. I need to make it count. Everyday!!! I challenge myself to live with the Grace of God.

The C effect

I read a TIME magazine article about the Angelina effect. Amazing how this woman has had an effect on other women throughout the world! Her personal decision to have a double mastectomy because she carries the BRAC-1 gene. The IRONY of it all is when it first came out on the news about her decision to get a double mastectomy, I was having conversations with my girlfriends of my decision to get a double mastectomy because of my health history. My oncologist agreed with me. While, it is hard to explain to my children and my husband the rationale, the simplest way to to describe it was my ability to take control of my health and using modern technology to improve my quality of life while giving me peace of mind.

This is the C effect, I call it. I no longer fear cancer. I fight it head on!!! I have so much more to do. More mothering, more living, its not my time. The C effect is now the Cherry Effect. Cancer fears ME. I have the best healer in the Universe. My God and savior has a path for me. And, he can heal me and all the cancer in my life. I go to HIM when I feel weary and low, when my loneliness bears the weight of my shoulder and I'm to weak to fight my physical aches. At the end of this all, I am promised something Great an Magnificent!!! Only I can only dream about. That's what I hold true in my heart.

I can see HIS promises in my surroundings and even when my patience is tested. I can look around and see his love for me.

Instincts

As human beings we have instincts innate to us. We have a flight or flight response to our environment. The human response to an uncomfortable environment may spark a response such as fear, mistrust, caution, etc. I've learned over the years to follow this instinct. Or my gut feeling. As I've observed my surroundings over the years, I've noticed that as humans, we like to protect our territory. We like to inhabit a safe environment. When something rocks our environment, we respond. Fight or flight.

Think about a scenario in your life. What did you choose? Fight or flight? We base our response sometimes on a seconds notice. While others, we marinate in thought to decide if we fight or flight. P

What is considered worth fighting for? It differs for most people. We choose our battles. We sometimes base our response in correlation to our upbringing, value system, priorities in life, but what stays true... Is most people fight for themselves first and foremost. We are selfish in nature. We think of our "Id". It's our basic instinct. A infant does it. He cries based on his basic needs. As a child, they throw a tantrum when they don't get what they want. So what becomes of our society when an adults don't grow out of the "Id" stage? Do most adults grow out of that stage?

I know all too well, many adults who act less mature than children. That are stuck in the "Id" stage. Sad, right? I'm sure you know your share.

But, I'm only accountable for my actions. And, setting an example to my kids to move up the hierarchy of growth into the super ego.