Punched in the stomach

If I was to guess the moment, I heard bad news, I'd guess it would usually be at the least likely appealing place. This week, I had to step back from the unsettling news of death of a family friend who is my age. I felt like I was punched in the stomach. A stream of emotions over whelmed me as I recalled childhood memories of family picnics, vacations, and conversations of what we do when we grew up. Some 20+ years later, we lost touch because life took us in different directions but always heard about the ins and outs through our parents. I am saddened because I knew she had health issues and never quite took time to visit her. And, I regret it. I kept putting it off for tomorrow and now she is gone.

I was sulking this week as I am recovering from the flu and tending to my 3 girls who are also sick. Oh the joys of mother hood. The coughing, hacking, blowing noses and vomit are just part of the symptoms. The good thing, we all got sleep and much needed sleep. In between naps throughout the day, I was thankful to my parents for comfort food. The simplicity of rice porridge tastes like gold in my mouth and helps opens up my breathing passages. While spending most of the week in PJs, I got to reconnect with my girls by binging on Netflix series, reading aloud, and making silly videos. My girls all sharing in their misery together and still could laugh together just made me thankful. Their bond so tight and interwoven. My mom used to tell me growing up that my brothers and I only had each other to count on. I say the same to my girls. And, as friendships have shifted over the years, I have seen my two older girls confide in each other as they mature. It makes my heart warm because I know after I pass, I am confident they will be each other's support.

Amazing grace!!

I am a sinner. I am human. I am a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend and a teacher. I have been spared my life on more than one occasion. I have witnessed miracles in my own life and in others. The power of prayer has no limits. HE saved us so we could live in his glory. I proclaim his name because even when I fail him on a daily basis, he still loves me. Stubborn, prideful, cussing like a sailor, me. Yesterday, the wind was knocked out of me as the doctor cancelled , my surgery and asked me to come into the office to discuss my treatment plan. I thought of course, it was Bad Bad news. I was in a bad mood all morning. Taking it out on my poor husband. He just told me, he was there for me and I had cloudy vision and hearing. When I got the news, he just hugged me so tightly and kissed my shoulder over twenty times.I could feel his shoulders release his burden.

He is private in his faith, religion and prayer are usually instigated by me or the girls. He looked at me and adjusted his body while saying it is AAAAMAZING MIRACLE!!!

The girls were confused!!! I had to repeat the news to them a few times. My oldest could not leave my side. She asked if she could stay with me all night.

I'm still in shock. Amazed and thankful. My mind digresses and I think of my girlfriend, Alva. She fought so hard to battle breast cancer. She holds a special place in my heart. I dream about her and sometimes have randomness reminders of her as I go through my day. I feel her presence all the time. I have the need to tell her out loud. I know she can hear it.

When I shared my news with family and friends, one of my HL Mamas, texted me back.  It resonates in my mind. HE  has lots left here for you. Then, later in the day,  my oldest said to me when after we ate dinner. Daddy would not be able to function without you. OMG! This from my 11 year old.

I have more time. To be a wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend. I need to make it count. Everyday!!! I challenge myself to live with the Grace of God.

The C effect

I read a TIME magazine article about the Angelina effect. Amazing how this woman has had an effect on other women throughout the world! Her personal decision to have a double mastectomy because she carries the BRAC-1 gene. The IRONY of it all is when it first came out on the news about her decision to get a double mastectomy, I was having conversations with my girlfriends of my decision to get a double mastectomy because of my health history. My oncologist agreed with me. While, it is hard to explain to my children and my husband the rationale, the simplest way to to describe it was my ability to take control of my health and using modern technology to improve my quality of life while giving me peace of mind.

This is the C effect, I call it. I no longer fear cancer. I fight it head on!!! I have so much more to do. More mothering, more living, its not my time. The C effect is now the Cherry Effect. Cancer fears ME. I have the best healer in the Universe. My God and savior has a path for me. And, he can heal me and all the cancer in my life. I go to HIM when I feel weary and low, when my loneliness bears the weight of my shoulder and I'm to weak to fight my physical aches. At the end of this all, I am promised something Great an Magnificent!!! Only I can only dream about. That's what I hold true in my heart.

I can see HIS promises in my surroundings and even when my patience is tested. I can look around and see his love for me.

Calm before the storm

How fitting as I'm ready to face the challenges ahead of me, today is gloomy and overcasted. I've, given up trying to do what I think is best and leave it up my Lord to guide me. After the morning hustle of the morning, I sit in my car, heart beating fast nervous about the day before me. I am fearful for the unknown. I open my book to read.
It says to trust in God's plan and try not plan ahead. Focus on the present and let him guide my day. Very fitting!!!! I read it 4 times over the day.
I had my highs and lows before sunset. I started with a nice conversation with my local donut shop owner and bought a croissant while discussing mutual people we know which included my mother inlaw My parents arrived and I drove with them to the hospital. We bonded over stories of my childhood, while laughing at some awkward moments throughout my teen years. And, I shared my frustrations with my ever so growing tween who I cannot please these days. My mothers smirked when I shared my challenges of parenting. I could hear her inner voice "laughing. While recalling my tween days of talking on the landline and being interrupted by the operator since there were no cell phones, Internet or "pagers". Lmao! ( if you remember pagers, especially my sisters, 143 24/7)
While I waited for my procedures, I ran into an old co-worker which happens to be a girlfriend's sister. It was nice to be distracted and not think about my upcoming procedures. As I drove home, I reflected on the morning and how I felt sad just like the weather. Then, as the day progressed I enjoyed the rest of the day parenting my kids aka picking up kids, supervising homework, running errands, cooking and doing a load of laundry.
Somewhere in between those chores I love, which I do lately, I received THAT call AGAIN!! Something positive came up with my ultrasound in my right breast. In my head, i prepared myself mentally, or so I thought. What? I ask the doctor for clarification. And, as I walk to the car, my girlfriend notices my tone and facial expression. I start shaking and I just hug her. I can't say the words. My eyes gets watery. I hold them. I think the kids can't see me cry. I drive home very distracted but I get home safe. I text my hubs that I need a moment to collect my thoughts. And, I wail! Like a baby missing her Mommy. Wahhhhh!!! And, my next text, to my Mom. I can't help but want her emotional comfort. And, she does. She takes charge and reins me into reality and give me words of faith. But, I'm still crying like a blubbering fool.
I lock myself in the room as soon as I get home. I withdraw and wail as I laid down on my bed in despair. Grieving the loss of a healthy body, the thought of my 39 year old body failing me. OMG! And, I wail to my Almighty God for peace of mind. I haven't seen my oncologist yet. Save the crying for tomorrow, "I think"!! And, I realize I have my little one sitting in the living room gazed at the tube. She has not really comprehended the severity of my disease. I remember to feed my child.
Then, I research treatments and staging but it doesn't ease my feelings. And, a light bulb goes off. I get a switch in my noggin. I realize my girls don't seize their opportunities. I get sad because I try to be an example of seizing opportunities and trail blazing a purpose that exhibits what God wants from me. How can I teach this to my children? I feel a moment of despair not seizing every opportunity with my kids when I was focused on work, housework, homework, soccer schedules, or volunteer work. Sigh, the shadow of the "C" word reminds me everyday that I can't wait for time to pass, I need seize to educate my kids, enjoy their company, be able to roll with the punches and learn to pick my battles.
Then my thoughts go to my hubby. Why doesn't he seize his opportunities? And, I get frustrated. He wallows in despair AND anger while I battle this disease. This stupid disease that has come back into our lives. It's testing us. Our relationship, faith and patience. While, I'm tempted to join him in his pity party. I use my time to read, pray and observe my environment and refuse to let the negativity in... I've got my savior reminding me, HE is beside me, us, all of us who are affected by my ailing body. It is his will, I fall on my knees and carry my cross.
When I let go of my fears at night, I can laugh at the present of the evening shared with my family.