The C effect

I read a TIME magazine article about the Angelina effect. Amazing how this woman has had an effect on other women throughout the world! Her personal decision to have a double mastectomy because she carries the BRAC-1 gene. The IRONY of it all is when it first came out on the news about her decision to get a double mastectomy, I was having conversations with my girlfriends of my decision to get a double mastectomy because of my health history. My oncologist agreed with me. While, it is hard to explain to my children and my husband the rationale, the simplest way to to describe it was my ability to take control of my health and using modern technology to improve my quality of life while giving me peace of mind.

This is the C effect, I call it. I no longer fear cancer. I fight it head on!!! I have so much more to do. More mothering, more living, its not my time. The C effect is now the Cherry Effect. Cancer fears ME. I have the best healer in the Universe. My God and savior has a path for me. And, he can heal me and all the cancer in my life. I go to HIM when I feel weary and low, when my loneliness bears the weight of my shoulder and I'm to weak to fight my physical aches. At the end of this all, I am promised something Great an Magnificent!!! Only I can only dream about. That's what I hold true in my heart.

I can see HIS promises in my surroundings and even when my patience is tested. I can look around and see his love for me.

Instincts

As human beings we have instincts innate to us. We have a flight or flight response to our environment. The human response to an uncomfortable environment may spark a response such as fear, mistrust, caution, etc. I've learned over the years to follow this instinct. Or my gut feeling. As I've observed my surroundings over the years, I've noticed that as humans, we like to protect our territory. We like to inhabit a safe environment. When something rocks our environment, we respond. Fight or flight.

Think about a scenario in your life. What did you choose? Fight or flight? We base our response sometimes on a seconds notice. While others, we marinate in thought to decide if we fight or flight. P

What is considered worth fighting for? It differs for most people. We choose our battles. We sometimes base our response in correlation to our upbringing, value system, priorities in life, but what stays true... Is most people fight for themselves first and foremost. We are selfish in nature. We think of our "Id". It's our basic instinct. A infant does it. He cries based on his basic needs. As a child, they throw a tantrum when they don't get what they want. So what becomes of our society when an adults don't grow out of the "Id" stage? Do most adults grow out of that stage?

I know all too well, many adults who act less mature than children. That are stuck in the "Id" stage. Sad, right? I'm sure you know your share.

But, I'm only accountable for my actions. And, setting an example to my kids to move up the hierarchy of growth into the super ego.

Island

The thought of vacation is very tempting and with school almost out for the year it seems fitting. The girls and I are worn out. I'm thinking creatively to have the girls busy for the summer and be cost effective. They don't answer my questions. I don't have a plan. I want to plan so bad. And, such I dream of an island. A far away place of solitude to renew my spirit and body. As I lay on the floor contemplating this dark place in my head. I'm thinking death. I'm might not have another opportunity to go to another island in my bucket list. Oh well I think. I've got my memories of going to Hawaii with friends and family. It was fun!!!

Beyond fun... It was memorable. I love the feeling of sand on the beach, the sun beaming on my face, hearing the waves of the water and laughter of those I love as the water crashes onto their feet.

The beach has always been a place of comfort for me. I didn't go a lot when I was a kid but when my parents wanted crabs, we went to Redondo Beach. Ahhh!!! Decades worth of memories. As an adult, I bring my children to Redondo beach pier for crabs and they have as much fun as I did as a kid.
I'm torn between a rock and a hard place. I'm looking for peace and tranquility. The thoughts of my head racing and trying to foresee a future. It's blurry. The unknown is scary. I stare at the
ceiling in the mornings starting over and trying to understand the meaning of life. I'm on an island. Alone. To my thoughts. I seek comfort in prayer because HE tells me that HE walks with me.

Footprints....

Stress Triggers

Stress is a constant in our everyday life. It can inhibit a reaction when our environment has a stressor. We can't avoid it. How we handle it and respond to it can determine if the stressor has control. My oldest, makes the statement in the mornings "your stressing me out". I reply, your letting yourself stress out.
One of the things, I tell her is to manage her time efficiently. As I've been learning to let go and give her freedom of independence, I observe her actions. I'm letting go, I tell her. And, in my head, I'm screaming "don't do that" or "oh my goodness!". It's the Tiger Mom in me that wants to control every situation for my child and make it all better. I have to learn to let her see the consequences of her actions and pick up the pieces. I tell her and myself. It's SO hard! Parenting is so hard! I sit and meditate because now she is causing me stress by her "whining". She is my vocal child. She doesn't mask her emotions. And, she is generally good at verbalizing it with me. Wooosahhh, Deep heavy breathing! I need a timeout. LOL!!
My youngest is observing my reaction, she tries to get my attention and tell me she is on task. I have to be more diligent to give her enough attention and compliment her when I'm starting to feel stressed. I smile, "Good job baby". She wants a reward. Time. She wants my undivided attention. She says my older child is a "mommy hogger". While, I'm happy my children love to be around me. At this period of time, I have a plethora of feelings coming in at waves. Sometimes, triggers of delight & happiness, unconditional love, anxiety, depression, emptiness, tranquility, fear, boredom and loneliness. My emotional state varies by hour. My youngest looks at me to determine what state of mind I'm in. The hardest time of the day in 4-6pm when my energy is almost all gone. My patience is weary. I'm waiting for my partner in crime to relieve me.
He slumps as he walks in through the garage, traffic worn face wants my attention, too. "Hi, baby". No response! In my head (Oh no! Watch your body language and facial expression). I respond... You want me to make you something? As I hug him. He melts in my shoulder. I've debunked him. I pat him on the butt, and show him the chair. He wants to talk about his day, I gather.
I realized that we all have stress triggers and react to them. I'm learning to recognize the signs. And, choosing my battles. It is a constant balance with raising to kids, working, home and wife. Something usually falls through the cracks. When it does, I'm reminded that I'm behind the ball. Ugh! Life is such of a a Mom in 2013. The expectations of keeping a tidy home, home cooked meals, corporate job, kids, husband, soccer mom, PTA mom, friend, sister, daughter, daughter in law... The list is endless. Let's give me another hat. It looks so easy when I smile "hello". When I'm up at the wee hours, I'm cursing at myself. I want to keep myself pre-occupied. I thrive on intrinsic rewards. I like having finished products. I get bored easily. I need stimulation and adult interaction. Why isn't it easy to understand how my mind works? Those closest to me should see that I like organize chaos that I have control over. My stress triggers is when others expect me to take care of things because no one else wants to. The out of control wacky schedules of soccer. The calls and texts I get in the day to coordinate things without asking me and assuming it will be done yesterday. I say no more! I have to learn to say no. I cause half of my stress. I need to find new intrinsic rewards and be happy with just sitting in my own company. I need to. I have to relax and focus on improving my health and not letting the things I don't have control affect me.
I'm sitting here debunking myself and reflecting the reasons why I get up tight at different scenarios. As my youngest sings " your gonna miss me when I'm gone"!

Calm before the storm

How fitting as I'm ready to face the challenges ahead of me, today is gloomy and overcasted. I've, given up trying to do what I think is best and leave it up my Lord to guide me. After the morning hustle of the morning, I sit in my car, heart beating fast nervous about the day before me. I am fearful for the unknown. I open my book to read.
It says to trust in God's plan and try not plan ahead. Focus on the present and let him guide my day. Very fitting!!!! I read it 4 times over the day.
I had my highs and lows before sunset. I started with a nice conversation with my local donut shop owner and bought a croissant while discussing mutual people we know which included my mother inlaw My parents arrived and I drove with them to the hospital. We bonded over stories of my childhood, while laughing at some awkward moments throughout my teen years. And, I shared my frustrations with my ever so growing tween who I cannot please these days. My mothers smirked when I shared my challenges of parenting. I could hear her inner voice "laughing. While recalling my tween days of talking on the landline and being interrupted by the operator since there were no cell phones, Internet or "pagers". Lmao! ( if you remember pagers, especially my sisters, 143 24/7)
While I waited for my procedures, I ran into an old co-worker which happens to be a girlfriend's sister. It was nice to be distracted and not think about my upcoming procedures. As I drove home, I reflected on the morning and how I felt sad just like the weather. Then, as the day progressed I enjoyed the rest of the day parenting my kids aka picking up kids, supervising homework, running errands, cooking and doing a load of laundry.
Somewhere in between those chores I love, which I do lately, I received THAT call AGAIN!! Something positive came up with my ultrasound in my right breast. In my head, i prepared myself mentally, or so I thought. What? I ask the doctor for clarification. And, as I walk to the car, my girlfriend notices my tone and facial expression. I start shaking and I just hug her. I can't say the words. My eyes gets watery. I hold them. I think the kids can't see me cry. I drive home very distracted but I get home safe. I text my hubs that I need a moment to collect my thoughts. And, I wail! Like a baby missing her Mommy. Wahhhhh!!! And, my next text, to my Mom. I can't help but want her emotional comfort. And, she does. She takes charge and reins me into reality and give me words of faith. But, I'm still crying like a blubbering fool.
I lock myself in the room as soon as I get home. I withdraw and wail as I laid down on my bed in despair. Grieving the loss of a healthy body, the thought of my 39 year old body failing me. OMG! And, I wail to my Almighty God for peace of mind. I haven't seen my oncologist yet. Save the crying for tomorrow, "I think"!! And, I realize I have my little one sitting in the living room gazed at the tube. She has not really comprehended the severity of my disease. I remember to feed my child.
Then, I research treatments and staging but it doesn't ease my feelings. And, a light bulb goes off. I get a switch in my noggin. I realize my girls don't seize their opportunities. I get sad because I try to be an example of seizing opportunities and trail blazing a purpose that exhibits what God wants from me. How can I teach this to my children? I feel a moment of despair not seizing every opportunity with my kids when I was focused on work, housework, homework, soccer schedules, or volunteer work. Sigh, the shadow of the "C" word reminds me everyday that I can't wait for time to pass, I need seize to educate my kids, enjoy their company, be able to roll with the punches and learn to pick my battles.
Then my thoughts go to my hubby. Why doesn't he seize his opportunities? And, I get frustrated. He wallows in despair AND anger while I battle this disease. This stupid disease that has come back into our lives. It's testing us. Our relationship, faith and patience. While, I'm tempted to join him in his pity party. I use my time to read, pray and observe my environment and refuse to let the negativity in... I've got my savior reminding me, HE is beside me, us, all of us who are affected by my ailing body. It is his will, I fall on my knees and carry my cross.
When I let go of my fears at night, I can laugh at the present of the evening shared with my family.

Expect the unexpected

The weekend started out with highs and of course naturally there were lows. But, the lows of the weekend are a great way to reflect on my personal expectations of life, parenthood and marriage. I get on these tangents of discussion with friends, the hubs and the kids. I always want more, MORE and more. I expect perfection and others to do what I would do. BOY, I am wrong. Everyone does not process the world we live in the way we do. I can't expect anything. I keep my expectations low, everytime! That way, when I am surprised by the hubs cleaning the stove without me asking, Crys making me breakfast, my Mommy sending Crys texts reminders to make me a smoothie a, my MIL giving me a purse and Cate saying "I'm sorry" it makes me realize all the blessings I have in my life. I'd like to do so many things in a day. While my mind still races every morning, my body tells me otherwise. I'd like to visit places and buy things, take walks on the beach in far away places, form new relationships with foreign lands and yet there are limitations beyond my control. I read a passage from a book my friend gave me at bible study. It was beautiful...
                         I need to focus on his Divine love to get me through my challenges, I need to let him
                             do his plan without insisting my plan...

I guess, it's easier said than done. I try everyday. I sing my praises to him. For another day, another sunrise, for my home (although traces of two girls and a husband). I thank HIM for my many blessings. Even the tantrums the kids give me in the morning when they are tired from a full weekend. A text from the hubs to run an errand. Because I have them..they make the best of who I am; my world go round! And, around! LOL

Random kindness

This weekend has been an eye opening to the numerous blessings in my life. The basic needs of a human being is security, food, shelter and emotional connections.
When life's moments hit you with a jolt, you re-examine everything. What's important. You have choices in life that you make. We prioritize based on our needs. And, what I focus on today is random acts of kindness. Why? I get this itch to do it. And, it has an exponential effect.
I hold a door for an elderly couple. I let a car pass me by who is in a hurry. I send thank you notes to those who have shared this journey with me called Life. It is those connections I have with family and friends who lift my spirits. I call them the random acts of kindness and I feel the need to reciprocate to random people. And, again, why? Because...it's the right thing to do. And, in this crazy cruel world. We all need reminders on a daily basis to give us hope.

Presence=present

What a whirlwind of information has been given to me in the last 3 days. Literally, the wind knocked me, my family and what I realized was the people that care for me OFF OUR FEET!! You know that feeling that you can't shake off? WELL, LISTEN TO IT!! It's GOD talking to us. We go through life thinking, it won't happen to me. Then, it happens to me, your mother, father, brother, sister from another mother, bestie, BFF, lover, anyone close to you. And, BAM!!! It hits you like a brick wall! I always wondered why people used cliches. Well, now I realized why...sometimes, you try to relay a message but the most efficient way to describe a situation to someone who has not  gone through what you have gone is use a cliche...They can kinda understand based on their meaning of the cliche.



One of my good friends reminded me the importance of writing down your thoughts. It's a way to vent out your feelings,  a way to communicate to our loved ones when they don't see the signs of frustration and lends a way to reach out to people near or far and touch these people's lives. I say this because I never saw myself as a writer in grammar school, in fact, I couldn't stand language arts. I sucked in it, I struggled with it. English was not my first language, it wasn't the primary language  used at home. And yet, today, 35 years later, I love language arts. I love reading to escape, I love writing letters, email, sending texts, writing notes to my kids and hubby. It's probably one of things that I used to escape early on in life. I would write letters to myself in the form of DEAR DIARY. As, I look at my previous writing, which I have kept, somewhere in some dusty pink box at my parents house, I LAUGH OUT LOUD!!! It is something I can share with my girls and the world around me. I've been talking to GOD all this time. He has been my ultimate best friend! And, I ignored him for years. I paid more attention to worldly things. I GOT sucked in. DARN it! I knew better. I went to catholic school for 12 years. Little did I know, he was paving a way to my heart! He was always there, leaving an imprint in me, through me and for his greater good.


You come into life through the womb of your mother (this bouncing asian looking baby with so much hair, they don't know where it ends). And, you grow physically, emotionally, spiritually and all the while our master's plan is unfolding. His plan always prevails. We are born into a family, we don't make the choice, it is what is BUT there is a purpose. I've come to see my purpose. I am suppose to be a testament of his love. And, like a parent, sometimes, we have to let our children experience life, as painful as it is, let the children go through it so it makes them stronger. I think I may have moved up the ladder in the hierarchy of needs (can't remember the psychologist who made up that darn theory). I've made peace with my life. I give it up to HIM. I am fervent in my desire to be in HIS presence because today is a PRESENT. Relish it, open it with glee, and hold on to what is important. Don't worry about the future and don't harp on the past. Focus on the present moment because it is a gift. Love yourself, each other and be kind to each other, it's a cruel world out there.