It says to trust in God's plan and try not plan ahead. Focus on the present and let him guide my day. Very fitting!!!! I read it 4 times over the day.
I had my highs and lows before sunset. I started with a nice conversation with my local donut shop owner and bought a croissant while discussing mutual people we know which included my mother inlaw My parents arrived and I drove with them to the hospital. We bonded over stories of my childhood, while laughing at some awkward moments throughout my teen years. And, I shared my frustrations with my ever so growing tween who I cannot please these days. My mothers smirked when I shared my challenges of parenting. I could hear her inner voice "laughing. While recalling my tween days of talking on the landline and being interrupted by the operator since there were no cell phones, Internet or "pagers". Lmao! ( if you remember pagers, especially my sisters, 143 24/7)
While I waited for my procedures, I ran into an old co-worker which happens to be a girlfriend's sister. It was nice to be distracted and not think about my upcoming procedures. As I drove home, I reflected on the morning and how I felt sad just like the weather. Then, as the day progressed I enjoyed the rest of the day parenting my kids aka picking up kids, supervising homework, running errands, cooking and doing a load of laundry.
Somewhere in between those chores I love, which I do lately, I received THAT call AGAIN!! Something positive came up with my ultrasound in my right breast. In my head, i prepared myself mentally, or so I thought. What? I ask the doctor for clarification. And, as I walk to the car, my girlfriend notices my tone and facial expression. I start shaking and I just hug her. I can't say the words. My eyes gets watery. I hold them. I think the kids can't see me cry. I drive home very distracted but I get home safe. I text my hubs that I need a moment to collect my thoughts. And, I wail! Like a baby missing her Mommy. Wahhhhh!!! And, my next text, to my Mom. I can't help but want her emotional comfort. And, she does. She takes charge and reins me into reality and give me words of faith. But, I'm still crying like a blubbering fool.
I lock myself in the room as soon as I get home. I withdraw and wail as I laid down on my bed in despair. Grieving the loss of a healthy body, the thought of my 39 year old body failing me. OMG! And, I wail to my Almighty God for peace of mind. I haven't seen my oncologist yet. Save the crying for tomorrow, "I think"!! And, I realize I have my little one sitting in the living room gazed at the tube. She has not really comprehended the severity of my disease. I remember to feed my child.
Then, I research treatments and staging but it doesn't ease my feelings. And, a light bulb goes off. I get a switch in my noggin. I realize my girls don't seize their opportunities. I get sad because I try to be an example of seizing opportunities and trail blazing a purpose that exhibits what God wants from me. How can I teach this to my children? I feel a moment of despair not seizing every opportunity with my kids when I was focused on work, housework, homework, soccer schedules, or volunteer work. Sigh, the shadow of the "C" word reminds me everyday that I can't wait for time to pass, I need seize to educate my kids, enjoy their company, be able to roll with the punches and learn to pick my battles.
Then my thoughts go to my hubby. Why doesn't he seize his opportunities? And, I get frustrated. He wallows in despair AND anger while I battle this disease. This stupid disease that has come back into our lives. It's testing us. Our relationship, faith and patience. While, I'm tempted to join him in his pity party. I use my time to read, pray and observe my environment and refuse to let the negativity in... I've got my savior reminding me, HE is beside me, us, all of us who are affected by my ailing body. It is his will, I fall on my knees and carry my cross.
When I let go of my fears at night, I can laugh at the present of the evening shared with my family.
Humming your song so you don't forget...
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