Quiet moments

I've been enjoying the quiet moments of the day. When the kids are still asleep and I can lay in bed. Thinking about the upcoming  day and saying my gratitudes for all that I have to look forward to. There are moments during the day when I get overwhelmed with all the duties of teaching, managing a household, mothering and maintaining balance in our household. A recent conversation with my husband was enlightening because he said acknowledged the order in house is because of me. I was thankful he recognized and validated what I do because all too many times, I generally feel I am inadequate since tasks get undone. My mind always in a flurry and testy tempers flare when the household when overwhelmed with projects, extracurricular activities and school work.

I asked my oldest daughter one saturday morning if she was happy and what I could do to help her get to that happy place. She and I have been butting heads on a daily basis. She couldn't answer my question be she was unsure and caught off guard. We had just argued about a hairstyle. Both of us tired from the week and not getting enough sleep. It's not an excuse but a reality. My child is so much like me. She is driven, wanting each situation, outfit, hairstyle, grades...to be perfect. How did she become like this? Anxious little girl that stresses over minute things. It probably me setting the tone and her watching me over the years.So, I am going to practice what I preach in class. Stress management.  Balancing physical, emotional, environmental and intellectual health.

I will schedule less, not overbook, create space to breathe, work smart, work less and enjoy the present. Not allow others to annoy me who won't matter years from now. Choose quality time with my family and friends. Nuture the relationships that are raw and real. Where I can share my emotions without feeling judged or fear of revealing my inner most thoughts. I am learning to be comfortable with letting go of things and people that have runned their course in my life. The experiences in my my life and the poelle have come into it have taught me well about myself. What I value. And, sometimes things don't play out as planned. It worked out and helped shaped my perspective. Grateful for those who taught me life's lessons, those who have held my hand, cried with me, and shared my triumphs.

I am enjoying these days. Thankful for the changes happening,  transitions in our home and seeing my family evolve. The roots spreading and seeing the foundation my parents gave me being passed down.

Growing pains

Part of change is dealing with the growing pains. Our household constantly in transition. The body parts that hurt are the lessons we learn along the way. We learn as parents to deal with the changes that occur physically, emotionally and spiritually as our children grow. I am in awe when God provides avenues for us to grow with our children. I have battled with balance and purpose. I've always stormed through life with a purpose for each phase in my life.

And, in this moment I am at a crossroad. Trying to determine my next path. I have done for others, worked alongside some great people and created a life with substance. Yet,  I feel unfulfilled. My maximum ability not maximized. I envisioned greater things. Leaving a legacy for my children. I feel I have been stagnant for sometime, comfortable with having things in my control. Fear of failing so easier to stay within my comfort zone.

I tell my kids to try their best,  do more, aim higher and I have been so focused on mothering and being a wife. I lost some of my identity. The last 4 months has given me an opportunity to slow down and reasses where I want to be 10 years from now. Who I want to be surrounded by and I realize I need to go back to my roots. The values that were instilled in me.

I am blessed to have a great support system who keeps me grounded. My loves remind me that I can "be" and support my crazy idealistic views of the world. I believe in people. I BELIEVE IN GOOD. I shouldn't let naysayers, negative energy and haters change me, my family and leaving our legacy. We can love one another, share our gifts  with others and help humanity. I want to teach my kids, there is a world outside of our community where don't have the basic necessities such as food, shelter, education and freedom. I want my kids to go through the growing pains to live enriched lives. I am a better person to go through my own growing pains. Realizing my capacity to grow through each phase in my life. To look back at my experiences which have given me opporunities to learn. 

Summer passing with a fresh start

A new school year is bitter sweet. It's a reminder a season is ending. Our family enjoys the summer feasts of bbqs, beach days and swimming until the evening. The start of a new school year jumps start the fall season. FALL BACK INTO OUR ROUTINE. The kids adjusted well for the first week. While I can't seem to keep composure. I too am back to school, teaching more regularly.  Grading, creating lesson plans, writing my grant proposals and balancing life and household.

I had a moment of enlightenment when in class last night a student mentioned how she was sad, she is not able to have the conversations she once had with her children. Life as a working mom and attending school full time have limited her ability to engage in her children's lives. And, how fortunate I am. To be able to partake in my kids everyday life. I felt guilty almost...that I have the opportunity and yet I still sometimes complain.  I am truly blessed, I can drop off my kids, take them a special first day of school lunch, pick them up and make dinner.

Technology rules apply

With the rise of social media, etiquette and privacy issues become concerns as a parent of two young girls. I've had discussions with fellow parents and my own children about individual responsibility and parental responsibility for minors. Since I can remember, I've  come across people who were rude, crass or mean. Now, I see it happening not only to kids but adults as well. Have we not evolved as human beings?

What bothers me most is when people I know in my family and good friends act this way. Am I suppose to turn a blind eye? I can't!! It bothers me. I have to say my peace. That is wrong to treat people with such disrespect.

I become obsessed with thoughts about my own childhood. Trying to recall the issues I had when I was a child and how I dealt with them. Was I able to confide in my parents? Did I treat my family and friends with dignity and respect? And, for the most part I did. I was put in check whem I didn't. I was constantly reminded to respect others and the golden rule. And, more important my parents set an example of grace and dignity with family,  friends and collegues. Even, when they lost all their money when the real estate crash happened in the 1980s. They found who were their true friends when even family turned their back on them and helped my parents provide the basic necessities such as shelter, food and education. And, lastly our family grew closer because of my parents adversities.

I can't change others behaviors. I have to stay true to my beliefs. Teach these values to my children so they can an example of what a Christian should be. I am trying be in the presence of our Lord everyday. Talk, act and think they way our Lord taught us. Jumping two feet in!

Consistency

I'm working on progression. Moving forward and not letting my fears, past and complacency get the better me.  I am 15 days in the 21 day challenge. They say it takes 21 days to make anything a habit.

Part of this process is self assessment of the past, present and future. It's not always easy getting a raw glimpse of yourself. But, necessary for self-improvement.

Roaring voices

Summers fading away! I'm trying to think about some of my favorite moments in the last 2 months. There are so many!!

I am feeling beyond blessed; To have enjoyed this summer with my girls.
Hanging out a lot!! Sleeping in. Eating the summer fruits and enjoying the company of friends and family.

What has the summer provided for me? Renewal.
A renewed energy. For life, love, friendships and most of all our Lord. I am working on

Free spirits

What great adventures the girls have enjoyed this summer. Scoping out nature, swimming in waterholes, climbing trees, making smores with no bonfire.  The girls were sad to leave the fun and their friends. It was nostalgic looking at pictures on the way home and hearing their stories as it reminded me of my own childhood. And, I'm so happy to offer these similar memories to my girls. What gets me more excited is that they want to make this a tradition. All these kids ranging from 7 years old to 17 years old were able to let go of their age differences while  playing board games, make smores, find fish in the water and share stories. When they go back to school they have lots of stories to share. These boys and girls who are blossoming into young men and women will have this connection that hopefully lasts a lifetime.

Phoenix rising

Change is inevitable.  As humans we evolve from our experiences and the result of life. Transition is part of life. I feel the change occuring in our family. The girls are growing. We are outgrowing  our home. Work is consistent and keeping us busy. The summer is full force and bbq get togethers are a treat.

I have this constant uneasiness to keep things stagnant because I'm comfortable and just getting the hang of things. BUT, everything keeps moving. Ahhh! I got to get the feeling of trying to play catch up so I don't overwhelm myself. This summer is the phoenix rising for a better quality of life. Letting go of the unforseen and releasing my burden. Offering myself to my Lord.

I decided to mentor a child. Why? There are too many kids who don't have the means to a better life. The things my children have are not the norm. I want my kids to see giving back even 8 hrs a month is substantial. One person can make a difference.

Let's see where these changes take me and my family. The rewards of offering ourselves and sharing our blessings are bountiful.

Truth shall set you free

I am a believer of truth. God's truth. We cannot hide from our sins. Only HE knows what our path will be.

Why is it when our lives are going steady, we have things that deter us and steer us in a different path. And, all the while, our destination is the same place. It is predetermined. ..as stubborn as humanly possible. We resist the direction in which we should follow.

I'm not only guilty, I feel my way is the best way. Then, I'm reminded how little I know.  I'm distracted by the ways of the world.

But, truth sets me free. Do right. Believe. Keep faith. HE ALWAYS PREVAILS!!

Truth shall set you free

am a believer of truth

Limits

Media, social media, children raising children, peer pressure have become the norm with constant instant gratification. These are some of reasons the Millennium generation feel entitled. I've been warned. I was given the mother's curse when I pushed the limits of my parents patience and rules. But, they were in place for a reason.

So here I am, my oldest pulling the same with me. While, I remember doing it much older in high school and college and maybe I blocked things out. The need for approval by peers. The need for more and MORE. And, not knowing my own limits FOR MYSELF. As a child, our perspective is based on the limited environment our parents provide.

As a parent, my perspective has changed and continues to change the older my children get and I learn to let go of my fears allowing them to fly. This summer I let go and free it to HIM. I have to do what must be done to show the limits she can push which means she will have growing pains. I've warned her about the importance of respect, honesty and integrity.  I've prayed for patience and wisdom.  My heart aches when I have to punish her but I have to remember consistent parenting will mold her to the young woman she is destined to be. One with values.

She will stay the summer with her Dad and Step-Mom. And, it pains me. I had created a schedule of fun, education and quality time. My baby is sad, her Ate will be gone. And, I can't give in. I need to show her tough love. This summer will show her MY limits.

I pray for her and I. That our relationship can overcome this hurdle. That I live through the teen years. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

The spirit

This week ended the school year for 2012-13. It's bitter sweet. While, I'm happy my surgery was cancelled and I got to celebrate with my girls their culmination of their hard work. I am sad it will be the last year for my first born in elementary school. I've been emotional. So emotional, I've been frustrating myself. I don't look pretty crying. Wahhh.

Where has the time gone? I look at her growing and her lanky body growing into this young woman. I am not ready for it. I want to protect her from life. I am afraid of this world and what it has become. And, I breathe so deep and hard. I lock myself in the office.  It's been my place of zen, lately. I organize my thoughts, items of clothing that needs to be donated or sold. I set piles: 5-6, 7-8, 10-12. Oh my! She's close to fitting 14 girls clothing and 7 1/2 women's shoes. She's not even 12 yet (sad face).

I can't stop time but I can maximize the time I have with her and my baby girl. TINAPAY is her nickname. My Kuya (older brother) named her when he came to visit her in the hospital when she was first born. It means...fresh bread. She smelled so fresh and clean that the aroma reminded him of baked bread coming from the oven. Very fitting that her nickname is fresh bread. She is my child who was born under stressful times in my life and helped me rise above them. She was my single reason to strive in my career which has led me to teaching college today and pursue projects that would lead to consulting in health education. She is one of the main reason I found myself reinvented in my early thirties. I had her in my late twenties after a successful career in education and my priority was no longer myself. I grew to be a better Mom. A single Mom raising an infant. We bonded like no other because my day revolved her and it hasn't changed much 12 years later. There is no other spirit that drives you to become the best of yourself until you give life and have to protect that life.

I didn't realize the depths of my courage until I brought her home and slept the first night by myself with her. I cried just as I cry today. I GET OVERWHELMED THAT I MAY DO HER WRONG. That my life choices may damage her. And, then I Breathe. ..hard!

I read this book..in ways no matter how much I grow weary. I just need to call to HIM. I need to draw myself in his spirit.  I can't do without HIM. It is because HE has been with me that I could look back and say I got through those first months with a newborn. I open my book and I seek his presence in my daily life. As, I RISE to another milestone in my life going into my 40s. All of the above, raising a pre-teen with my husband and oh so sassy 8 year old. GOD BLESS ME..I'M IN FOR A RIDE!!