Peace and upheaval can coexist

I've learned to live with the chaos having a family. The unscheduled and unplanned events that come up with motherhood. I understand my ability to be fluid is due to my personality, my upbringing and personal experience. I have to remind myself not all my family members are willing to be that fluid. I ask my husband why he gets so irritated when plans change and his answer is always the same. " I like to plan ahead and know what to expect". This my other half who grew up as an only child and did not have to share a room, compromise with a sibling, care for a younger sibling can be narcissistic at times who cannot relate to how I grew up. I on the other hand always compromising and mediating between my brothers.

I watch my girls navigate through their conversations, arguments and texts with friends. In a way, they have an advantage over my husband. The skill of being flexible is useful throughout life. I watch my husband navigate through raising our kids and see frustration build because having a teen, tween and newborn makes it hard to schedule priorities, leaving the house on time, arriving to our destination without an emotional meltdown or explosion of some sorts..usually involving a diaper and clothing change. So different from his rigid military experience. Having children teaches you to adapt and patience.

This week as I watched the news, I was reminded of 9-11  and hearing how terrorist attacks was close to home. I started texting my husband about the moments ensued and knew his non response was due to his work related knowledge. I waited till he came home and the kids settled for bed to find out what he knew. I take it for granted, feeling protected and safe. We live in a quiet suburban community. We had to address what happened in the same city my daughter practices for soccer.  Kids from my daughters team affected by this tragedy. Colleagues and former classmates in close proximity of the events. I pray fiercely for those who protect us. I weep for the families who lost loved ones. I hope for peace and good will. The events that took place as I got background information while watching the news was chilling.

In my chaos of raising a young family, maintaining my business, I pause. Thankful for the co-existence of peace  in my heart during this upheaval of evil in this world. Admiring the multiple agencies for stepping up and working together and it reminds  of the good in this world. I pray everyday and each year my birthday wish is for peace in this.world. Love is the key. Let's make a change for the better. Love one another! For you, our children, our community and our world. We start at home. It starts with action. We set the example of showing love. Not war, hatred, fear or malicious actions..I choose to be the first rather than the last. Even if it not the norm. I will choose right over wrong. Love over war. Peace versus Fight. Good instead of Evil..it's my foundation and faith which has brought me to this self awareness. I will be fluid to make change for the better my goal. 

Repeat and Rewind

Life doesn't afford you an opportunity to repeat and rewind. As humans we have a great way to speak our mind but in the same respect we also have emotions. While it is great to be honest, sometimes it can get you into trouble. Why is it so hard to be kind and have loving words to others? Even to our own family members. Especially those close to us their words they say have deeper meaning and cut deep. This is why talking out of emotion is never a good idea. We can't repeat and rewind.

Communication comes in various forms: non verbal and verbal. We often communicate through our tone, inflection and body language. Through text and email, it is always hard to read in between the lines. Once a text message is sent, you cannot take back those words. I believe we have lost the art of communication because of technology. We rarely have phone conversations and face to face interactions because we have become busy. Who has time to dedicate an hour to talking when kids interrupt? How do we as adults set an example when we gossip in front of children? How do we talk to our spouses, parents, our in laws, siblings and friends? Our children are watching! Very closely I might add. They form opinions based on what we share and the conversations we have with one another.

Are we aware of what kinds of messages we are sending when we talk rude? Yet expect our children not to be rude?  Instead we can choose to speak kindly others, lift people up and praise their strengths. Not so easily to do when someone has wronged you. But, doing the right thing isn't always the easiest thing to do. 

My girlfriend sent me a link to a blog. And, it was amazing how parents want to shield and protect kids and shun out others because they are hurt. Reading the blog, I realized I have to show love and kindness even to those that have hurt me and my family. And, imagine the effects if we all did this. The world would be so much nicer. I'm coming to a place where I can do this because 4 decades of experiencing poor communication in the home, work place and friendships have taught me this. The experience alone is enough to make my grey hairs pop out. Now back to life and feeding spirit and souls of my children. I only have so much time left where I can influence them. After that time has passed my influences declines rapidly.

I am trying to maximize my quality of time with my children. I don't get to repeat and rewind. I think about the call I get that my aunt has passed. This is two deaths in my family and it is reminder to continue to hold my babies close to me. Thank the heavens I am given another day to kiss, hug and tell them I love them. To wake up with my hubby as he forges through his day to be the provider for our family and protect our country's interest. God is great! All the time and the sunrise is always my reminder a new day is awaiting to enjoy my present.

Seasons change

   

     The circle of life is amazing. We start as newborns reliant on our parents for all the necessities. At the end of life, we become again reliant on caretakers to see we are cared for physically. All the years we are in between we are in this constant change trying to become independent and cultivate relationships. How fortunate are we if we are able to grow with others and share the life stages. I've been so blessed to have such a support system. We have grown as sisters. All of my life I always asked God to give me sisters. I got 3 brothers!! God knew my Dad could only have one princess. I am my Mother. Growing up I thought I would be the opposite of her. The older I get the more I realize how much she has instilled values to me. I watched her hold her tongue when people gossiped about. her and my parents who have struggled throughout their marriage. When I was in my teens, I just never realized the depths of her integrity and virtue. She chose not to drink, party, gamble or date when my parents were separated. She chose her children's well being and strive to provide a home, education and stability. As I watch her age, I still see that strength in her as she shares her wisdom of parenting and watching her enjoy her grandchildren is priceless.

    This is one thing my children will never understand. I grew up in the 80s where we ran the streets, didn't have personal electric gadgets, had manners and respected adults. We manonged to our elders, called adults by Mr. and Mrs., worked in high school, referred to our older siblings or cousins Ate or Kuya and college was not an option. My kids will never be required to take public transportation to get to school, go to bed hungry, live without electricity or only have one pair of shoes for the year.

    Coming from humble beginnings has taught me the value of hard work, strong ethical behaviors and the value of family. In the end, my family are the ones that cared for me when I was sick with cancer, cared for my children each time I battled post partum depression and went through my divorce. My parents told us to stick together and as we watch our parents age and minds deteriorate. We have had some hard decisions about their health care, physical care and funeral arrangements. All this while I raise my 3 children, one of which is a 4 month infant, tween and hormonal teen. It has been challenging to say the least.

    My solace is watching my girls draw closer. Build memories of caring for their baby sister, spending weekends with Lolo and Grandma and creatively entertain themselves. The prayers I say each morning when I see the sunrise is gratefulness. I don't know what my God has planned for me but I know what he expects of me. I am in a change of season in my life purging the negativity and focusing on the blessings just as the seasons are changing from fall to winter. I am setting my burden to my Lord and remaining steadfast in his promise he is watching over me. He is guiding me and I am letting go of  the hurt and anger. I am accepting what is not understood and forgiving those I love who have hurt me. And, opening my heart for peace, love and kindness. Today of all days as I write this on Thanksgiving is a reminder the most important things in my life are God's love and promise, my family, my health, the basic necessities and a wonderful extension of my family which have become family. There is no amount of money that can replace these blessings. From the wise words of my mother, I am rich, rich in love and it is enough!

Perceptions

     I've been sitting here trying to process what has happened in the last month and how is has affected my child and her well being. I am distraught with the comings and goings over the last month and am tired of it all. Blood is thicker than water. People will defend blood even if it's wrong. What is the end
result when your child is not held responsible for their actions?

    What adult can see objectively in a group of teen issues if she has her hands in all their pockets by seeing their social media posts, drama includes your daughter if you can see where the problems lie. When you are knee deep because of here say and gossip from children it's time for you to get an adult perspective and not just someone who has the same opinion as you. If you don't address the issues, act like your innocent in having the girl drama persist and view your child as an angel who also is a part of the problem then hide behind your idealistic views of being a child of christ.  I call BS! Prove it by action. Set an example of how an adult can deal with conflict. Don't do it by posting your perception of what has happened because you are called out overstepping your boundaries.

      I'm done crying over these issues. I am choosing to move forward from this experience. My child speaks up for herself when asked questions and tells the truth even if it means getting into trouble. The child acting like she is innocent and making up lies because her feelings got hurt will do the same thing as an adult. Just as not addressing the real issues and seek approval from others on social media while giving half the story. And, to that adult I say, I feel sorry for you. The narrow mindness to think you are above any policy, use politics to let your child get away with a lie that spiraled this drama and shame on you for making false accusations toward people you say are your "family". You're actions don't match what you preach as a woman of God.

     I believe the truth will come out. And, we are accountable to our God for our actions. So if not now, then later and I will not have to say anything. My actions will speak for itself, my history for speaking the truth, acting in the best interest of others and justice. I have clothed the needy, homed the homeless, gave my last dollar to the poor, been a shoulder to the weary, counseled the kids who have no adult figure and cared for the elderly. When someone challenges me to do better I am open to seeing myself from their eyes because I know I am far from perfect. But, I say to you that accuses me of being an unfit parent and my husband capable of hurting a child. If you were so concerned, why is it you had your child sleep over in my home countless times? Why is it now you voice out your concerns, considering the timing of it all  and coincides with your boss talking to you about your actions while at work. Is it a coincidence that my child gets interviewed a few days later? My husband who has raised my oldest child as his own, coached 100s of girls, fought for his country to protect Americans, got injured at war and wakes up at 4 am every morning to provide a home for our family and live in a safe community. And, the consequences of what you started will remain a reflection of your actions. Those accusations are unfounded.

     I am challenging my child to be a leader and not get sucked into the drama of people who won't matter years from now. I challenge her to do right even if she not popular for doing it. To be kind to everyone even if they have wronged her. She is a child, I expect her to make mistakes. And, when she does. I will be there to support and guide her. To teach her to learn from her mistakes and take the consequences of her actions.

    My husband says cut the ties. And regretfully I say I'm done hearing the lies, gossip and I have a higher purpose to raise my kids with honor, integrity and respect..  I am praying to find guidance to help me parent positively. To set an example of humility and respect. I am called to lift up my child so when she falls, I will be there for her. Show tough love when she has done wrong. And, praise her when she has done right. As a parent I have big responsibility. It is the biggest job I will ever have in my lifetime.

Integrity

It's funny how words cut deep. But, sometimes it isn't the words that are said in front of you that hurt the most. It's what is said behind your back. I've always said if you have something to say, I'm welcome to hear you say it in my face. I know! It's easier said than done. I value when someone can tell me that I've wronged them. I can own up to my mistakes, my prideful actions and my naivete. I know I'm not perfect. I'm human. I can take ownership in my actions and reflect on them. I can wholeheartedly say sorry. And, it's up to them to forgive me. Once, I offer it up to my savior, I have faith he will take care of it. This past month has been aweful and I never want to experience again. My child and I both felt attacked and betrayed. By people we never would have thought. It's by the people who are closest to you when it is the most hurtful.

At the end of the day, it is your words and actions that speak for your integrity. I'm trying to instill this to my children. And, if anything they have seen me advocate for them. They have heard me and seen how my actions toward other people by using kind words and actions can do.  I have no tolerance for ignorant, narcissistic and drama filled people. I don't have time, energy or enjoy that type of company. But, I pray for them because their words and actions have consequences in front of our Lord Jesus. Life is already complicated as it is with the chaos of marriage, 3 children, aging parents, my career, and nurturing my friendships. Over the years, I have seen friends come and go. If we have one or two friends that last a lifetime, we are so ever lucky and blessed.

Change agent

As I sat in the front pews of graduation, I listened to the guest speaker at commencement and heard him share a few words. Don't be a statistic. Be the difference and change your situation through hard work and doing what is right and good. A black man who grew up in Compton by a single mother. Who decided to get higher education and became a senator for the USA. Amazing he can use the work he does to make a change in the community he grew up in. Gratifying to see him coming back to his roots and motivating others to be that change in their own communities. 

This is why I got into the field I work in...I wanted to be a change agent. Let's be honest, I know I can't  reach all my students but if each and every class I reach one person imagine the exponential growth. If that one person impacts one other person's life and so forth, then the change that occurs can be world changing. Isn't  it my responsibility to pay it forward to those that educated me and inspired me to be a better me? I say, YES!!!! There was a day I was told by my first principal that I had the potential to do great. It was in first grade. I never forgot her. Sister Ann Clarita may she rest in peace. She believed in me and saw in me a drive that would carry me through the next 18 years of education.

Sitting next to my colleague who teaches World Religion, we discussed the idea of practicing your beliefs. What do I mean? When you believe in theology, you need to support that belief through actions. For example, if I believe we are to love one another as the 10 commandments says. Then, I need to love everyone. To go a step further that includes those that have wronged me. Why? I believe it therefore I should practice it. I should be that example. I should not boast it but it should just be part of my everyday living so that EVERYONE WHO COMES MY WAY, can see I am a believer. I can be a change agent that I am born and baptized to be. If we are all reminded of this every morning and can see our blessings then change can happen. Our world needs it badly. 

I aspire to this every day. I'm not always successful but what is amazing. Each day I get that much closer. 

 

Raising unprepared children

We want to do better for our kids. Give them opportunities. Have them learn to survive in this fast paced driven society. But, we hurt them. I do it. And, it's hard for me to swallow it because I see how my husband and I work hard. My child feels entitled to the lifestyle we have that our community seems to flaunt on social media. That is not reality folks! What we post is just a glimpse of our lives and a perspective we want to share.

Behind the camera is a story. And,  it's not always pretty. When I look back as I help my daughter prepare a birthday gift for her BFF. The years have flown by. They have history. I see how friends have come and gone in their group. They remain friends and really more like sisters. Able to put each other in check and call each other names like no other person can to one another. They have shared their most intimate secrets of crushes, family issues and goals. I love to see this! What is difficult is seeing as they go through these teenage years, the foundation they have built shaken. And, as a parent, I need to allow my child to navigate through these emotions of change: hormones, new friendships, crushes, jealousy, gossip and self esteem issues while guiding them. There is such a fine line of how much we should be involved. I remember growing up and my Mom was busy to see the everyday operations of the house, so I stepped in as an only girl in the family. My 8th grade year was so hard! I cried when I was bullied. I cry now when I see my child being bullied. What do I do when my child is defending herself and trying to communicate but it falls on deaf ears? My first reaction to fix it. To step in. My child has asked me to let her handle it. What do I do next when I see her handling it and it backfires? Keep my mouth shut? Not address it? I'm torn!

I sit in church with my child. Sitting in silence while I see her wipe her tears. And, it breaks my heart into pieces. So I hold her. I hug her and I reminded my most important job. To be there for her. When she tells me she wants to sleep next to me.

For months, I've brewed with the idea of homeschooling this child of mine who wants to be "included" and find her place among her peers. She has learned from her 1st year in junior high the importance of voice, respect, and kindness. I don't want to paint a picture that my child hasn't done her share. And, I am well aware of it. Especially when she reminds me that I am a "stalker" on social media. I'm just using it as a tool to learn more about my daughter and her peers. Isn't it my job? Aren't I allowed to? I pay for her cell phone. So yes! I don't have to justify it to my child. Just give me your phone when I ask for it.

Am I raising an unprepared child? The world out here is volatile! There are shootings, acts of violence against women and children, religion and greed for money. I use these past few days to discuss the current events and values. Why are we in this current state? There is a struggle between good vs.evil. As humans we go through this struggle on a daily basis. On 9/11 I was reminded how big my responsibility would be to raise this child. And today, 14 years later with the world discussing transgender issues and same sex marriage, I cannot fathom the struggles these children are encountering because there was not this issue when I was growing up.

I step back to gain perspective from the last week and it's been a roller coaster of emotions. I cannot complain. It was been eye opening. What a learning experience it has been and I appreciate the honesty my child has when we get to sit one on one. I am going to count my blessings even when I feel the eye of storm is circling around us. May the good Lord continue to guide my family and I.